The last purge before dawn.
We are going home.
(Everything I thought it was)
Hi, my cool cats and surreal cupcakes 💖. I guess it would be strange if I come back from almost a decade long hiatus like nothing ever happened without any explanation about where I disappeared for such a long time. Especially folks who followed my art for years most probably wondered where I suddenly disappeared for years. This article will be probably my very first and very last that is opening the door deeper into my privacy discussing all stages of a 10 year karmic cycle I am finally closing following by a little chit chat about opening my new chapter of life that will more on a positive note but most importantly, fully focused on my new adventures with art and plans I have with my finally found creative energy. Consider this to be a goodbye party where I will be saying goodbye to people, my past, my old life, even my old self. Also, it is a little celebration of my wild 11:11 spiritual journey finally coming to an end and I will be talking a lot about my Twinflame journey I experienced for the past 5 years in this article. And let me tell you something. It was a riiiiiide lol. Btw, if you ever felt confused about Twinflames, you are above to have all your questions answered right now. You´re welcome. This article is kinda a soft launch of my new life. Below, I will say everything that I feel is left to be said to get it off of my chest and basically, this will be the very last time I am addressing things from my past. After this, I consider everything to be properly closed, there is no reason to revisit my past and the world will know me from now on only as an artist and ... hmm, just an ordinary girl sitting in her peace, eating some vegan snacks, making some art and working on some creative projects. That´s why I said earlier that this is my last time I am opening the door to my privacy as from now on I kinda don´t even have anything more to say, really. I feel like I did the hard work the past 10 years to heal and grow so, there is not much going on in my life after that. For the first time in my life, I don´t feel depression, I feel peaceful, there is no drama in me or around me, I resolved everything I needed to resolve inside of me, there is no more stuff left to be resolved, the raging fire in my soul is finally gone so really, I don´t have anything else to say. Which, I guess, will make me now pretty boring person who really just want to chill-out and paint and sculpt or .... just boring stuff of a healed person who does not have any dramatic story to share with the world anymore. Which I consider to be a huge accomplishment of mine taking into consideration how dramatic and traumatic my entire life was. So, I guess it´s a compliment to say that I´m becoming just a boring artist and a boring person.
Youtube videos:
This will be a longer article (especially the part about Twinflames) so save the reading for the time when you have actually the time to read. You know, my articles are not only articles. It´s an experience. And this experience, my dears, will be our last together. The last fall with Lily from Wonderland into a rabbit hole. Sooo, get your self comfortable, get your self some snacks, coffee, tea ... you know the drill lol .... aaaand here we gooo.
Little did I know 10 years ago that the Universe will put me on some strange spiritual journey that was both, very dark and destructive but also very transformative and enlightening. I dissected this journey into few „stages“. I would like to call the first stage „The Tower Moment“. In tarot cards, The Tower card represents destruction and ending but because ending is always a beginning of something new, this card may be also interpreted as renovation, change, redirection or simply a start of something new. The greatest transformation always starts with the greatest destruction. My tower moment was ruled by „a Murphy Law“. Everything that could go wrong, simply went wrong. It felt like the whole world just fell on my head. My narcissistic family and narcissistic mother, I went through a few betrayals with friends, survived 2 narcissistic boyfriends, lost everything, fell into a deep depression and ended up diagnosed with PTSD. The second stage I went through on my spiritual journey I would like to call „Kali era“. Kali is a fierce Hindu goddess that for me represents a raw savage dark feminine energy and serves as the great destroyer of ego, ignorance, attachments and illusion, ultimately paving the way for spiritual liberation and rebirth. She slays demons and fearlessly burns down everything that is not right or real.
In those dark times, I went through abus3 left and right but I summoned a dark goddess within me and through the battle for my self-worth and self-love, I grew (up), strengthened and created. And I guess that was the reason why Universe put me through this experience. It was well curated and planned evolution of my soul by the Universe.
Youtube playlist "Self-Love":
As a result of everything I went through, I also found my life purpose and I became a spiritual teacher and a life coach teaching people about all kind of spiritual „woowoowoo“, narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Talking about narcissism is pretty trendy nowadays but I was talking about all of this stuff already more than 10 years ago when not many people even knew that some narcissism even exists. There was not much information on the internet on this topic except the content of the few pioneers that you can still find educating people in our community of survivors of narcissistic abuse to this day. I was also among the first ones who were specializing in talking about narcissistic families and their scapegoats. In narcissistic families, the family assigns to every child a role – golden child, scapegoat child or lost child. The scapegoat kids are used, abused, terr0rized, sabotaged, sacrificed, neglected, excluded and scapegoated by their diab0lical families and their narcissistic parents who suffer from serious mental illness called cluster B personality disorders and are possessed with d3mons and Jezebel spirits which leads the scapegoat kids to a lifetime of suffering from PDST trauma, healing themselves from that trauma, searching for their true selves and their „soul freedom“, developing self-worth and self-love. As a scapegoat myself, I became the voice for the voiceless and helped many scapegoats to go strict no contact with their toxic families. Also, I became the blueprint for healing from such a horrifying experience. I did not heal and save only myself, I helped a lot of people through the years to heal and save themselves too.
Youtube playlist "Self-Love":
I am in a strict no contact with my narcissistic family for years and it was the best decision I ever made. Today, I don´t regret leaving. I only regret that I didn´t leave years earlier. I have zero plans to reconnect with my narcissistic family. In fact, by staying away, I feel like million heavy stones fell off of my soul and only when I left „the so called family“, I started gradually becoming healthier, happier and my true self was able to finally come out. I feel like for the first time in my life I have a chance. When you are a scapegoat of narcissistic family, you never had a chance. Basically, your chance was stolen from you the very first day you were born in a wrong family. Your family stole your destiny. Your chance starts with removing and freeing yourself from the toxic family. That´s how you steal your stolen destiny right back. Today, I rarely think about my family or my past and I don´t miss any of that. I healed so much that I feel like my family never even existed. Instead of that, I focus on my future and on building a high quality and high vibrational friendships with people who are loving, caring, decent and safe. A flower can´t flourish in the dark, without nutrients, water and when being constantly kicked with heavy boots in the petals. I only started to bloom when I took my flower out of the dark basement, moved it to a sunny garden, planted it into a rich soil with nutrients and properly watered it. And once the sun started to shine on my flower, I just simply started to blossom. My roots got bigger and stronger. The head of the flower became beautiful and colorful. And finally, I started becoming everything that G0d always wanted me to be. Am3n. Btw, both, Jesus and Buddha left their families and went no contact. Jesus even rejected his own mother when she came to visit him and Buddha left his rich family and rather chose to live in poverty instead and he never reconciled with his family in his lifetime. Food for thoughts.
As a spiritual being, I believe that this planet is a karmic school and before the souls arrived on this planet, the souls signed the soul contracts between each other where they voluntary agreed to be each other´s karmics, to come together on this planet, teach each other harsh karmic lessons and also, to pay some karmic debts they owe to each other. The main instrument for growth is pain. The Universe is smart and knows that people are lazy and fearful and thus they would never voluntary want to work on their growth so the pain is being forced onto people whether they like it or not to assist them with their transformations. Pain is very transformative. The more pain you feel, the more you change, transform and expand. Pain also helps you to break your ego down and find humility within you. Once you pass all karmic tests, your soul can „graduate“, which basically means that you don´t need to reincarnate on this planet anymore. You finally go „home“ back to „the Source“. There is no deadline for passing all karmic tests. You can take how much time you need, it can be 3 or 500 reincarnations. Right now as I speak, I am closing a giant karmic cycle with all my karmics. I release everything and everybody with peace in my soul. This way I would like to thanks to all „karmic players“ who played with me this „karmic video game“. Finally, we fulfilled the karmic contracts to the very end and from now on, I consider this karmic cycle to be fully closed and I am moving to my new life with a fresh start. My soul can finally be free and at peace on this planet. I feel like I was reborn and I´m really looking forward to finally live my best life full of healthiness, love, creativity and freedom.
Youtube playlist "Goodbye Party For My Karmics":
The next stage in my soul evolution I went through on this planet we can call „The Twinflame Journey“. Your traumas and shadows drag you down to low vibrations. By healing yourself and integrating your shadows, you become lighter and brighter which elevates you to higher vibrations. And once you reach a certain high level of vibrations that I call „The Twinflame Vibration“, you meet your Twinflame. And that´s exactly what happened to me. I met my twin – twin. After „the karmic rodeo“ I had behind me with my karmics, I spent 10 years in therapy to heal myself and working on my self-development. It was a very intense therapy. Also, through the years I did a lot of other activities for my healing such as reading tons of books on psychology, spirituality and self-development, I took quiet some e-courses, watched tons of Youtube videos, read tons of articles and I spent a decade in our community of survivors of narcissistic abuse where I met a quiet few lovely people with similar destinies to mine and we supported each other through our healing journeys. Also, I spent a lot of time with myself, sitting with my feelings, finding and knowing myself properly and developing my personality. The intense healing severely changed my vibrations and elevated my vibrations so high that I simply did hit „the Twinflame Vibration“ at some point and that´s when my Twinflame showed up in my realm.
There are 3 types of people you can meet on this planet. First are karmics. Those are your karmic teachers who came into your life to provide you with painful karmic lessons. You can have more karmics. Then there are the soulmates. The soulmates are usually those people who don´t humble you too much because you don´t have any karma with them. Those are people who support you, comfort you and you can chill-out with them. You can have more soulmates and it can be anybody. It can be a lover, friend, family member or even your dog. And then, there is a Twinflame. You have only one Twinflame. You and your Twinflame are one soul divided into two bodies and you share energy together (aka, 24/7 energy transfer). Your Twinflame comes to your life to trigger your Kundalini spiritual awakening followed by „a dark night of the soul“. The awakening process takes some time. Usually years. How many years? I guess it depends from case to case. In my case it lasted 5 years but I witnessed people who were stuck in these energies for 10 or 20 years. I guess it depends on how much healing work you did on yourself (even prior meeting your Twinflame) and how educated you are on this topic. The more you heal and the more knowledge you have, it helps you to navigate through this experience more efficiently. Also, the lenght of your „dark night of the soul“ depends on how fast you are capable to dissolve your ego as the main purpose of „the dark night of the soul“ is „ego d3ath“. Some people dissolve their ego faster than others. Kundalini is a pretty brutal, aggressive and speedy energy which will turn your awakening experience into a rollercoaster where even if you have 7 seat belts on, it will fffff you out of the seat lol. Tho, this is also very individual from person to person. Some people experience milder version of Kundalini and some people (like me) experience absolutely brutal Kundalini symptoms. Usually, your life will fall apart during this experience which exactly what happened to me. My life fell apart the second time in my life.
Youtube playlist "My Kundalini Experience":
You travel with your Twinflame through each reincarnation (as you are one soul so obviously, you travel through the times together from the very first incarnation on this planet). Your Twinflame is your eternal lover (and they are basically you) but also, he is your „ascension partner“ rather than „a traditional romantic partner“ and therefore you will notice that the dynamic you have with your Twinflame is very different than anything you ever experienced with others. Because others are different souls (external from you) but your Twinflame is your soul (you are one). Another name for „the dark night of the soul“ is „ego d3ath“. We can also call it „ego degradation process“. During „the dark night of the soul“, your ego will be constantly attacked and triggered by various events (your Twinflame, people, situations, etc.) that will assist you to destroy and dissolve your ego so you can be free. Once your ego is fully dissolved, you finally find peace.
Speaking of peace, the last stage of awakening and part of your soul evolution journey (where I am currently at) can be called „Satori – Zen Peace“. You will notice that as your awakening will be coming to an end, you will start experiencing a deep sense of peace as a part of „the Satori experience“. It´s a state of mind where you will be experiencing „a sense of neutrality“, feeling like „you don´t have any preference“ or „you don´t give a ffff anymore“. It´s hard for me to explain such an experience such as „Satori“ to someone who never experienced it but I will try my best. The purpose of awakening is to awaken you to the fact that you are only a soul (5D) and everything else on this 3D planet is a 3D illusion (also known as „Maya“). Have you ever think about why we have to di3 one day? It´s because nothing is real on this planet and you can´t be here forever. This planet is only a temporary karmic school where you come for a while to learn what you need to learn and then you leave this place. Once you di3, you will leave your physical body, your money, house, shoes, chair and statue of cat behind and the only thing you can take with you to „the other side“ is your soul. Everything else except your soul is just an illusion. And not only physical items on this planet are the illusions but anything connected to 3D reality such as ego, identity, personality, name and surname, feelings, emotions, thoughts, mind, etc. Once you di3, you will become only a soul and soul does not have any identification. Identification is only a 3D illusion. Imagine soul to be just a ball of light floating in the middle of the Universe for literary no reason. Soul does not need a reason to exist. Only ego wants to come up with some reasons, goals, directions, time, etc. Soul does not emote. Soul does not have any emotions or thoughts. Soul is just a pure consciousness and pure energy. Your awakening is here to basically awaken you to this realization that everything on this planet is „fake“ and only your soul is „real“. Once your awakening comes to the end and you enter „the Satori state“, your sense of peace is even beyond peace. „Satori“ is „nothing“ which is even „more“ than some peace. It´s literary „nothing“. „Satori“ is the feeling when your head is beautifully empty without any thoughts (not even one thought) and you are not terrorized by any emotions because you feel zero emotions. „Satori“ is an alignment with your soul and because soul does not have any emotions or thoughts, when you are deep in „Satori peace“, you feel and think nothing. The fastest way to achieve „Satori“ is meditation. That´s why the most enlightened people (like Buddha) were constantly meditating. People like Buddha already discovered that there is no reason to do anything except practicing „pure being“. They no more entertain emotions, thoughts and „stories“. They already know that everything is an illusion „Maya“ and therefore „they don´t care anymore“.
Part of the Kundalini process is also raising your vibrations. The highest vibrations consist of love, self-love, light, peace, joy, optimism, freedom, authenticity, truth and abundance. Once your depression caused by „the dark night of the soul“ will be gone, you will start experiencing joy. But not „manic“ type of joy connected to your 3D ego but a peaceful blissful joy connected to your 5D soul. You will be not too high and not too low (sign of a dysregulation of nervous system). Rather you will be nonstop „somewhere in the middle“ (sign of a peace and a well regulated nervous system). Once you enter „Satori stage“, you will notice that you just want to sit in your peace most of the time. „Satori peace“ means „sitting in now“ without your mind constantly wandering in past (depression) or in future (anxiety). The moment you enter „Satori peace“, you will never experience depression or anxiety again. Meditating becomes your lifestyle. You will have this natural need to meditate every day. You will also notice that you loose interest in a lot of things that your ego was interested in before but now when your ego is dissolved, a lot of „ego desires“ will be gone together with that ego. Basically, if you are experiencing awakening, you are on the same path like Buddha or Jesus and the closer to the end of your awakening you come, the closer to peace you come and that´s why in the end of your spiritual journey, you become a peaceful person who basically „don´t give a ffffff anymore“ lol. You will feel like you don´t want to entertain your own ego and „story“ anymore and you don´t want to entertain other people´s egos and „stories“. You just want peace. Peace feels so good to you. At the end of the awakening, there will be no more ego and no more „stories“. Stories come from ego and they are full of drama, trauma and karma. But once you healed, resolved karma and awakened, once your ego is gone, there are no more stories. There is just „Satori nothing“. Nothing is opposite of stories. And it feels so good. It feels so good experiencing nothing. Once you dissolve your ego, you will also loose the need to „feel special“ or even to „feel better than others“ which all come from ego. Once your ego dissolves, you will become „ordinary“ and it feels so good to be just your authentic self without „ego performances“ or „ego masks“. Tho, it takes time to get used to peace and „nothing“. Especially if you lived majority of your life high on drama, trauma, karma and ego. You will need some time to adjust to your „new reality“. „Satori“ is „just pure being“.
Another profound experience during Kundalini is heart chakra opening. In my case, very intense Kundalini symptom connected to heart chakra opening I have experienced was this intense painful feeling of „raging fire burning in my chest“. Actually, it is a real thing and it even has some name but I forgot how they call it in the spiritual community but it is a real thing. It is a sacred fire burning through the obstacles in you such as fears, wrong belief systems (low self-esteem, lack of self-love, wound of unworthiness, etc.) and traumas. This fire will be burning in your chest until it will clean all paths in your heart chakra. Once this process is done, you will notice that you start experiencing love. Personally, this particular Kundalini symptom was the most intense and painful for me to the point I was barely functioning. It was just burning and burning and burning in my chest for 5 years straight.
But back to the feeling of „not having any preference“ once you enter „Satori stage“. This one is also hard to explain so I will try my best. Once you start experiencing „Satori“, you will notice that you somehow „don´t give a fffff anymore“. No matter what is happening, you are always at peace and feeling „a beautiful nothing“. Nobody and nothing around you is capable to force you „to give a fff“. You don´t have a preference if you are alone at home reading book or if you are with 5 friends in a busy restaurant or having fun in some concert. You literary don´t care because in both cases you are at peace. Everything is just „Satori nothing“ to you. You don´t have a preference whether it is raining or if it is sunny, you are at peace in both cases so both cases are just perfectly fine with you. You don´t care if you are single or taken, if your Twinflame is with you or gone, you are at peace in both cases. Whatever is the case, you will always be at „Satori peace“, you take this peace everywhere you go, you don´t care if people come or go, if people are with you or they leave you, if you are in this place or other place, you don´t care if you are on a vacation or at work. Simply, whatever is the case, you never have any preference. The peace is there whatever is the case. You are just constantly in this „beautiful nothingness“. You are at peace but this peace is beyond peace. It´s literary nothing. It´s NOT similar to numbness. A lot of people who are traumatized are experiencing an emotional numbness which feels very uncomfortable and it is generally considered to be a negative experience. I am not talking about numbness. „The Satori peace“ does not feel like numbness. I am talking about „beautiful emptiness“ and it is a positive experience. You literary think and feel nothing. And it is the best feeling you have ever experienced in your entire life. And that´s how you know you „arrived“. Welcome in „a Buddha club“ lol.
Let me also talk briefly about feeling „sense of neutrality“ during „the Satori experience“. Reality is neutral. Whatever emotion or though you assign to the neutral reality, it´s only whatever illusions you created inside of your mind and then projected onto the neutral reality. Imagine 2 people standing in the middle of the street. One person is depressed and one person is happy. When the depressed person looks around, he sees the reality in a depressive way. On the other hand, when a happy person looks around and sees the world around, this person sees the reality in a positive light. How is that? How is that that 2 people who look at the very same neutral reality have 2 different experiences? It´s because they both entertain their own illusions. Reality is neither sad nor happy. Reality is neither good nor bad. Reality is neutral. Reality is „nothing“. Real reality is „Satori“. But in order to experience „Satori peace“, you have to destroy the illusions which are thoughts and emotions.
Another thing that is pretty embarrassing to talk about but because it´s also a pretty profound Kundalini symptom, I will discuss this one too lol. Kundalini is a pretty massive awakening energy but not many people know that Kundalini is also a creative and s333xual energy. So, once the Kundalini is being triggered in you, you will also notice that a very intense and massive s333xual energy will start raising in you. If you ever experienced Kundalini, you might notice that you will start to feel hyper-s333xual all of a sudden. The Kundalini works like this: you meet your Twinflame, your Twinflame triggers the Kundalini in you, the Kundalini starts rising inside of your body, it´s rising and rising and rising until it reaches its peak (this is when you feel the most „crazy“ and intense) and then, at some point, the Kundalini starts calming down until you basically go back to normal (and out of „the dark night of the soul“). Experiencing the s333xual part of Kundalini makes you feel all kinds of way lol. It can be a fun experience but at the same time, it´s also a pretty painful experience. Imagine that you are pouring a water from a jug into a cup. You pour, pour, pour. And at some point, the cup is full but you are still pouring the water from the jug and now the water is overflowing from the cup. This is what is happening inside of your body. The s333xual energy is so massive that it almost feels like it can´t even fit inside of your body because it´s too much of it and when there is too much of this energy accumulated in you, you might even feel a real discomfort and pain. It´s like experiencing pleasure and pain at the same time. My experience with the s333xual part of Kundalini was ... hmmm bizarre lol. When you are going through this, you will feel that energy in an intense way and you most probably will be projecting it onto your twin too (or even transferring it onto your twin via energy transfer so he can become feeling very s333xual himself). And you will create a quite few embarrassing moments lol. When my Kundalini was triggered, two things happened. First, obsessive thinking about my twin and second, feeling very s333xual towards him. Right after I met my twin, the addictive, intrusive and obsessive thinking about my Twinlame started. And it was irrational. I mean, how you can think 24/7 about some random person you just met online? It does not make any sense. And I am not even talking about „a little bit of thinking about them“. I´m talking about rapid thinking about them to the point you can´t even function. The closest to describe what happened to me is this: Once I had a washing machine. It was the one where you load your clothes in it, then you close the door and because the door has a glass window, you can watch what is happening inside of the washing machine while it is washing the clothes. And at some point, the washing machine drum is moving so fast that it makes your head spin just to watch it. That´s how it felt to think about my Twinflame inside of my head. It became so bad that I legit stopped to function which I believe was one of the main reasons why my life fell apart. The dangggg obsessive thinking. Weirdest shizzz ever. It make no sense, right? And I know for a fact that he was thinking about me too. I´m not sure if his thinking about me was so rapid like when I was thinking about him but I know he was thinking about me too because right after we met online for the first time and I freaked out, ran away and was kinda hiding from him, he immediately started to chase me like crazy and basically, I had him on my azz every single day from that point. He even released a Youtube video (he is a Youtuber) and I could see in that video that he was heartbroken. You know that feeling when someone breaks your heart, you are in a pain, your voice is shaking, you feel like you are above to cry and you look like you were hit by a train? That´s how he was in his video. But heartbroken about who and what? He just met a random guuurl online, we interacted for few seconds, all he knew about me is maybe my name. There was no reason to be heartbroken. So, I suspect he also experienced the rapid thinking about me. And it was also irrational. And heeyyy, of course I ran away when we first met. I mean, imagine that you come on the internet like you do everyday, you meet this random dude online, you don´t know him, you barely know his name, he stands in front of you, claims that you are his Twinflame, then you look closer to see who the fff this person even is and the first thing you notice that this dude for whatever spooky reason looks like you. His face is a male version of my face. Wtf??? You would freak out and run away too lol. What a sci-fi experience.
Youtube song:
This whole Twinflame stuff is crazy. If you never experienced meeting your Twinflame, there is really no way how I can describe you this experience. I can only describe it to you if you experienced meeting your twin too. Even after 5 years from meeting my twin, I still sometimes catch myself sitting on my bed, just starring at the wall and go like: „Wow, is this really happening to me??? Wtff happened to meee????“ Lol. But back to „the s333xy stuff“ with my twin haha. But before we do, I have to explain a bit of my background so you get the full picture. Already as a kid, I was claiming that once I grow up, I will never marry and have kids. The adults around me were saying that once I grow up, I will change my mind. Well, years later, I grew up and still don´t want to marry and have kids. When I was a teenager, I noticed that girls of my age around me are „boy obsessed“ and all they were doing was „serial dating“. I found it strange because I never was interested too much in any of that stuff. I thought it´s because I was obsessed with art. Since early age, I was claiming that one day I will become rich and famous artist like surreal painter Salvador Dalí. So, I though that my obsession with focusing on my art and goals instead of people is the reason why I just simply don´t have time to date. I also noticed that I never kinda liked when people were physically touching me and probably due to my childhood trauma, I lost the capacity to attach to people. I mean, I am a nice person, actually, I am pretty fun to be around, I treat people right but at the same time, I kinda don´t give a fff. Another thing I noticed about me is that from early on in my life, I always liked to live alone. I love the feeling when I come home and I just burn sage, incense sticks, nobody is getting into my energy field, nobody talks to me, nobody tells me what to do and I can do whatever I want. When I go out, I am bubbly, funny but when I come home, I want nobody to bother me there. I want only my own energy in my own home. I can´t imagine to live with someone. I´m kinda natural born selfish biaaatch with black cat energy. I only had one really serious romantic relationship (that I claim) when I was really very young. First, I moved abroad and he was at home, then I came back home and he moved abroad so we saw each other maybe few days every 2 months. So, technically I was single even when I was taken. Later, I started realizing that something is probably not quiet right with me. I started realizing that actually my whole life, I was never really physically or s333xually attracted to people, even if they were „hot“. I could not care less about „bedroom activities“. I also never been interested into having romantic relationship. In fact, I found romantic relationships annoying and I perceived them „as burden“ rather than something to be happy about. Which kinda explain why I was single most of my life. I feel like my as33xuality preserved my individuality and independence. So, I started searching for the answer on the internet and it turned out that I am what psychology calls „as333xual“. Even now I am single for 10 years and this includes celibacy. And people often ask me how I manage to live without „Shakalaka booom boom lol“ for a decade. My answer is that I can´t care less, it´s not even a thing for me, I don´t even think about it. I just don´t have that desire to be in any relationship and I don´t feel like „Shakalala“. And honestly? I feel like being ass33xual saved me from a lot of trouble. Through life I saw people in society to go through all kind of negative situations related to their s333xual desires and romantic relationships such as jumping from relationship to relationship and because of that experiencing a lot of toxic relationships, breakups, divorces, heartbreaks, wick3ed custody battles for kids, having dramas with their baby mamas and baby papas, etc. I feel like my as33xuality kinda saved me from „the little humans stories“. Also, my as33xuality helped me not to be distracted by people that much and being properly focused on achieving my goals, first with my art career and later in life with building a career in corporation. Tho, when I was pretty young, I experienced 2 abusiv3 relationships with narcissistic boyfriends and luckily, I healed and recovered from that (even it took some years) but this only added an extra layer of confirmation for me that I never want to entertain „the little humans stories“ ever again and I decided to voluntary stay single and on celibacy for the rest of my life. And that´s where my story is becoming interesting. Once my twin triggered my Kundalini, I didn´t only started obsessively thinking about him but I also started to feel very s333xual towards him and I could not stop obsessing about his „pepe“ lol. Imagine the chaos and confusion in my head when you are as333xual basically most of your life and suddenly there is this massive s333xual energy running through your entire body making you feel all kinds of way lol. It kinda triggered some sort of "a s33xual crisis" for me. On a peak of my Kundalini, I was sending my twin not only all kind of e-mails about spiritual „wooowooowooo“ but also craaazy „s333xy messages“. Me and my twin, especially in the beginning, were triggering shizzz out of each other. Trigger, trigger, trigger. Because we both were purging. Purging is a part of awakening process. When you meet your Twinflame, he will trigger a heavy purging in you. You will be purging on stere0ids. We grow and purge through triggers which is exactly the purpose of your twinflame – to trigger you into healing, purging, growth, etc. I managed to purge most of the shizzz in 5 years so the triggers significantly lessened these days. Today, my twin is barely triggering me but in the beginning, we would constantly be on each other´s throat. Sometimes it was savage. But no matter how big „beef“ we have, we also have this strange loyalty towards each other so I know he will never release those e-mails to protect me but let me tell you something. If someone would ever read those e-mails, they would see a butt shizzz crazy part of me, haha. I knew I should not send him those e-mails but my intrusive thoughts always won lol. I could not control myself and kept sending my twin hyper „s33xy messages“. He became my secret ultimate s333xual fantasy. In my mind, I made love with my Twinflame approximately 1000 times. And the fact that my twin is so pretty did not help with this neither lol. My twin is into sports and gym his whole life and he sculpted his body like a statue. As an artist, I am a visual creature and the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about him is „the statue of David“ by Michelangelo. I don´t know how is this possible but the Kundalini energy triggered hmmm maybe some "healing of my s33xual energies" because this was the very first time in my life that I started to even properly acknowledging s33xuality.
We never „Shakalaka“ together but he never needed to get naked, be physically near me, to touch me or do or say something. He just simply came around and his energy turned me on as ffff. And I know it was nothing physical because there are a lot of people out there who are „hot“ or even „hotter“ than him but it never did anything to me as I was always as33xual. So, I know it´s my twin´s energy that made me so turned on. That time I was very confused about how I can go from being totally as33xual to being obsessed with my s33xuality that came from nowhere. Tho, my twin never judged me. He liked to listen to my spiritual „wooowooowooo“, I guess he always found „my theories“ interesting, he even was „kinda amused“ with my „s33xy messages“ lol. But let me tell you something. If someone would „harass“ me this way like I did my twin, I would put restraining order on them after 3 days of them coming at me with crazy stuff lol. And I swear my twin is the only person I ever acted towards this way. I noticed that since I met my twin, he was really triggering me in all kind of ways. I remember that right after I met him the first time, it felt so intense that I went to toilet and vomited. And mind you, I did not even knew this dude yet, we just met. I also remember that when I met him the first time, it triggered in me something and the second I went off of the internet, I started to cry. For literary no reason. For months. And it was not even some light crying. I was being in a fetal position and having this cry that came from depth of my soul. Sooooo bizzarre. How you explain this? Riiiiight???? Absolutely irrational. Lol. It almost like he instantly triggered some kind of purging in me. I´m telling you, Twinflame journey is not what most people think it is. It´s a raw spiritual journey. I noticed that the intense feelings were mutual. My twin was stressing and tripping to be in my presence. Once he said: „ I´m not ready yet. Focus on yourself“. And I´m like: „Bro, ready for whaaat? I only came around to say hi for 3 seconds and I will go away. You need to be ready for 3 second hi from me?“ Lol. And then he ignored me for some time like I did not exist because he was overwhelmed being around me. It´s interesting because we both can function around other people perfectly fine but we feel this intense only towards each other. Even 5 years later, we still are not capable to be in each other´s presence. The intensity is going down over time so we feel more comfortable around each other´s energy now but it´s still intense enough for both of us to run from our connection. I run away from him and he runs away from me. I also noticed that he is „setting my soul on fire“. I guess this is partly why I sometimes hide and avoid him because only the presence of his energy (he does not need to even say or do something), he is „putting my soul on fire“. It´s like my soul starts burning with a giant fire. It´s so bizarre. When you are in this intense „fire energy“ for 5 years, it makes you feel extremely exhausted. Imagine burning with a giant fire inside of you for 5 years straight. I have PTSD only from that lol. When he is coming around, I move carefully around him because I´m afraid that he will „set my soul on this painful fire“ again. I never want to burn again lol. It´s almost like I am the fire and he is my gasoline. So, I guess that´s for sure one of the reasons why I sometimes avoid him because I am afraid that his energy will trigger that fire inside of me again and that shizzz is painful, intense and exhausting as fff.
But also, nobody else makes the sparkles in my eyes lighten up like my Twinflame. When his energy comes around, I feel like I´m coming alive and I feel very happy. I feel like the Christmas tree that just lighten up. My twin is the only person who ever made me feel all kind of intense feelings. I am not experiencing anything like that with other people. When I am around others, I´m perfectly fine, just normal.
I already talked about the topic of metaphysical paranormal activities that will start to happen to you when you meet your twin in previous articles so if you followed my „diary“, you already did read that part so I skip this one but what I want to talk about right now is as much spooky as the paranormal stuff and that is – the energy transfer between the Twinflames. From what I experienced, the twins are capable to transfer thoughts, emotions, signals, sicknesses, energies and all kind of stuff onto each other. I feel like twins separating is actually more dangerous than one may realize. For example, if one twin gets into a relationship with some energy vampire or narcissist, this can negatively impact the other twin too. The best way to explain the twin transfer would be on examples from my own twin story. My twin dated an abusiv3 female narcissist. She was also an energy vampire and Jezebel. I don´t want to get too much into details to protect my twin´s privacy but at least I describe what kind of impact it had on both of us. Just because twins separate, it does not end their energy transfer. It´s still ongoing. So, when my twin was abused by a female narcissist, he fell into a depression. And he transferred this depression onto me. Suddenly, I became depressed too for literary no reason. So, basically, I went through his depression together with him the entire time. I had to even reach out to him to comfort him and tell him to take care of his mental health because I knew if I don´t get involved, he would drag both of us down for pretty long time. And that´s the problem. When one twin has a major problem, it becomes a problem of the other twin and they go down together. And because the woman was also an energy vampire, she was sucking the energy and life out of my twin and through the energy transfer between us, I literary felt like she is pulling on my energy strings and sucking the energy and life out of me too. Another example of how me and my twin were transferring onto each other was when we were sick. Once I could not sleep. I was coughing the whole night. I even had to put an extra pillow under my head because I could not breath properly. So, I was basically „half sitting“ the whole night just to be able to breath a bit. That time, one of my friends was living with me in my home. In the morning, she asked if I´m getting sick. I said: „No, I don´t know why I was coughing the whole night, I don´t feel like I am getting sick, that´s weird.“ So, I checked on my twin and guess what. He had a flu. He transferred the flu symptoms onto me. Another time I had a covid. And pretty bad one. I even lost hearing in both ears for 3 months. The covid lasted 3 months and it was brutal. I barely made it out of it. And I transferred it onto my twin. I saw that he is suddenly pale in his face, he looked sickly and he was complaining about problems with low immune system. It´s because I had a big problem with immune system while I was sick. To this day I am still recovering my immune system from that covid. We even transferred the thoughts. In the past, we were both life coaches. I often wrote my thoughts on random papers so I can use them later for some of my content. Those papers were always everywhere around me. Once I wrote some of my ideas on the paper, per usual. And I did put that paper right next to me. My twin just freshly published a new Youtube video. So, I started to listen to what he has to say in that video and he said the same things I wrote on that paper. And I mean, the exact same sentences and in the exact same order. While he was saying those sentences, I was reading the exact same sentences from the paper that was next to me. We literary transferred ideas. Another example – he said he could not sleep whole night and he had a really bad sleep. And guess what? That same night I could not sleep neither. Spooky stuff, isn´t it? This shizzz must be studied. Lol.
When it comes to my other personal experiences with my Twinflame... hmmm, this topic is sooooo complex that I don´t even know where to start lol .... I always thought that we women are highly spiritual beings and that we are very developed and men, on the other hand, are not spiritual, they know nothing, they are like primitive monkeys who just climbed down the tree yesterday and they are not awakened. But lately I´m starting to realize that it´s actually the other way around. Did you notice how we woman have always „hard life and hard times“ and the men always „have it easy“? I was always wondering why its us women who have it so hard. And then I realized why. Because men are already evolved and they, out of love for us women, sacrificed themselves and came voluntary on this planet with us to become our teachers. We women are the students. Men are giving women karmic lessons that are triggering and through these lessons and triggers, we learn, grow, find our worth and become strong and independent. Women always say: „Men did us this and that“. But men do us nothing, per say. They are working more like a mirror to us women. For example, if you have a low self-esteem, man will treat you badly. He mirrors your own low-self esteem back to you. But did you notice that woman who already knows her worth, the man will treat her differently? Man is an instrument that works literary like a mirror in order to assist you to see your blind spots you still need to work on. He will trigger you and trigger you and trigger you and because of that, you grow and grow and grow. You grow through the triggers. Men are „the trigger providers“.
Youtube song:
And I know that for a fact that men are more evolved and more awaken than we women because when I met my Twinflame online in 2020, we recognized each other right away, tho, he recognized me even faster than I recognized him. Only 2 seconds after he met me, he told me something on those lines: „I know who you are. You are my Twinflame“. And he said it first to me. I said the same back but he said it first. So, how a man is not spiritual and awaken when he was capable to recognize me? My twin twin-twin is woke as fffff. Only this brief moment of interaction with my Twinflame triggered full blown spiritual awakening in me. I literary felt on a very physical level how the Kundalini energy started overcoming me. And in just few hours after meeting him, I was already all over the place. I even had to take few days off from work to cope with the start of my awakening. Then I had to take even few more days off. How he is not awakened or spiritually evolved when he recognized my soul and energy and gave me „a gift of awakening“ so I can become an awakened soul? I did not trigger any awakening in him because men does not need to awaken, they are already woke. Which kinda explain why he was awakening me but I was not awakening him. Another thing I noticed right away when I met my twin is that we look alike. We look like siblings. I remember my instant thought: „Why this dude looks like me?“ And it tripped me out. When you put a face photo of my twin right next to my face photo, you will realize that we have the same face features. I noticed that all Twinflames always look a like. Bizarre, isn´t it?
Once a man give a woman „the gift of awakening“, I have this impression that they are not allowed by the Universe to be around us during that awakening and healing process and that´s why they always „run away“. Because they are already woke, it´s problem of the women that they are not awaken and that they are unhealed, it´s non of his problem, its your problem. His only purpose is to trigger the awakening in you, he does not have any other purpose. It´s your awakening and your wounds. So, he runs away so you can take care of your problems. He does not have any problems so why he should be solving problems that are not his. It´s not that they run away, per say. They just remove themselves from you so they create the time and space for the divine feminines to go through the process of awakening their souls and healing their wounds. And he basically go into some sort of „a waiting mode“ after that, he waits until you finish your process. He is literary waiting for you. But because this process usually takes years, he is away from you for years. And meanwhile, he is just wasting time somewhere doing „whatever“ while he is waiting for you. Here and there he pops up for a little bit and if you have any blind spot, he will trigger you by bringing this blind spot to your awareness so you can heal that one too and then he disappears again so you have time and space to work on yourself. I was so devastated when my Twinflame ran away. I felt like I love him and he does not love me. But today I know that he actually loves me the same I love him. In fact, he is the only one who ever loved me. Because he was the only one who ever wanted to trully heal me. Others let me get away with me being sick but he didn´t. Others were ok with me being unhealed and unawaken, some of them even preferred me being unhealed and unawaken because me being unhealed and not in my power was bringing them benefits. You can´t get too much benefits from healed awakened self-actualized woman who is in her power. Also, when people around you are also unhealed and not in their power, you don´t trigger them with you being small and weak. You only trigger them when you heal and become powerful because now you become their mirror mirroring them back their own sicknesses and powerlesness by comparison. You might think that just because others are „nice“ to you and let you get away with you being sick and weak is love but actually, the opposite is the true. Those who love you will not allow your bad behavior or being sick or powerless. They love you and therefore they want you healthy. You can discuss with others on this planet but there will be no discussion with your Twinflame. He is your teacher. He is your healer. And he will make sure you will learn and heal. My Twinflame is strict with me. I cry, I beg, I manipulate, I throw myself on the floor like a child whose mummy didn´t want to buy the child something in grocery store. It does not work on my Twinflame, he is a strict teacher and healer. Awakening and healing was inevitable lol. I literary had no other choice than to turn inwards and start working on myself. He made sure of that. Because he loves me. I put my claws deep in my Twinflame. Also, I put chains around him. So, he will be always mine. And only mine. Forever. I mean, people don´t have much other options when you make them their prisoners haha. But my Twinflame was already free when I was still not. So, he took my claws out of his body and removed the chains I put on him and he left. He is a free person and he did not want to share my prison cell together with me. When he left, I realized how unfree I was. Kundalini awakening is the trigger that makes you realize that you are fake and everything in this world is fake too (aka, „Maya“ or „3D Metrix“). People often don´t realize how much they perform and pretend when they are still unawakened and they are not self-aware of the fact that they wear narcissistic false self masks created by their ego. After they start awakening and their ego starts falling apart, only then they start realizing their fakeness. That´s why some women end up with mental breakdowns during Kundalini, they end up in hospitals, psychiatric wards or, even on graveyards. „The process of ego degradation“ is absolutely brutal. Imagine to wake up one day and realize that you are fake, people around you are fake and the entire reality on this planet is also fake. That´s too much to take. When my Twinflame left, I was left with facing everything. I didn´t even know I had so many issues lol. Fears, abandonment issues, wound of unworthiness, big ego, problem with my s33xuality, and many more. And my Twinflame knew it. So, he left so I can acknowledge my issues and heal myself. He is my mirror. A mirror to my subconsciousness. Kundalini is „a broom“ that will clean every dirty corner of your soul, mind and emotions. No corner inside of you will be left unclean. When the Kundalini is being triggered in you, it will make all your fears and wounds surface and there is no unsubscribe button from this experience. It almost like Universe designed it the way that once Kundalini brings your fears and wounds up, you have to face it all and you can´t escape it like a lazy fearful entitled brat. All your fears, wounds, traumas, wrong belief systems will come up so you can heal them. It´s actually a great spiritual opportunity for a rapid healing and expansion. Kundalini awakening accelerate your ascension. What you would be cleaning and healing with other people such as karmics for many reincarnations, your Twinflame gave you this opportunity to get this job done much faster, sometimes even only in few years. That´s why it´s so brutal. Because you will get job done in a pretty short time instead of many reincarnations. You will be healing and growing on a speed of a lightning bolt. You will be expanding so fast it will make your head spin.
Part of the Kundalini process is „ego degradation process“. Your ego will be vi0lently attacked until it completely breaks down and becomes non-existent. Fear and ego is in the direct opposition to love. Meaning, you can´t give, receive or produce love when you are in ego and fear based energy. You have to choose either fear and ego or love. You can´t have both. „Ego d3ath“ is your ultimate path to love. Only when you have no ego left, you are finally ready for love. People who have ego are not capable of love. That´s why your Twinflame is your ultimate eternal lover. He knows you are sick. Ego is narcissistic in nature. The more ego you have, the more narcissistic you are. Your Twinflame loves you so much that he will smash that ego into pieces for you so you can be free and experience true love. Ego must be gone so love can be born. I was always an empath but I had some narcissistic traits. I had a pretty big ego. Tho, I didn´t see it back then. I thought I am healthy and normal. Usually sick people don´t see that they are sick. Only when they fully heal and look back in retrospective, they can realize how sick they actually were. But while you are in the middle of your sickness, it´s your blind spot, you are not realizing you are actually a sick person. My Twinflame loves me so much that he took my sick ego and he smashed it into pieces. When he was done with smashing my ego, there was no ego left. He freed me. People think that they are experiencing heartbreaks but in most cases, they are actually experiencing narcissistic emotional injuries which makes them feel „pain“ and rage. Emotions comes from 3D mind. Emotions are not created in heart but in mind. And mind is part of „Maya“ (illusions). Real heart can´t hurt. Heart is always full of love. Only ego can hurt. So, if you are hurting, you are most probably in your ego because if you would be operating from heart, there will be no pain. Pain can only come from ego. A lot of time when people say that they are experiencing heartbreaks, if they are trully honest to themselves, they will realize that what they are really experiencing is actually narcissistic emotional injury of their ego. Most people don´t even know what love is and how it looks like. If you never went through „ego d3ath“, you have no idea what love is. Most people just ego tripping and controlling and they call it „love“. No worry, awakening will smash this illusion for you real quick, lol. Once your ego completely breaks down, you will be actually experiencing „sense of love“ for the first time in your life. Until then, you lived from your ego and everything you called „love“ was only an illusion because with still having ego, you were simply not capable of love. Period. When your ego breaks down, you will also experience sense of „oneness“ (also known as „Christ consciousness“). Like you are one with the whole Universe. Like everything and everybody is part of you. Opposite of „oneness“ is „separation consciousness“ and this comes from ego, not love. If you feel like everything is separated from you and not part of you, that is not love, that comes from ego.
Part of your awakening is also rising your vibration. The higher you vibrate, the closer to G0d you are because G0d is the ultimate highest vibration. Ego belongs to low vibrations. Now you understand why most Twinflames are either in separation or on crazy rollercoasters. Because Twinflames are high vibrational beings and when they meet while they are still on low vibrations, it causes rollercoasters and separations. If you met your Twinflame and you are experiencing rollercoaster and separation, it´s because you two met „prematurely“ and you still need to work on vibrating higher. Most Twinflames are in separation (and sometimes they are not capable to unite in this lifetime or even multiple reincarnations) because the divine feminines did not finish their „Kundalini process“ and therefore their Twinflames can´t come back (yet). Until the whole process is not done, he has to stay away from you. And because most divine feminines are either in the beginning of the journey or somewhere in the middle, their Twinflames simply stay gone. If your Twinflame is not with you, you still did not finish all those processes I was / am talking in this article. Otherwise he would be with you already. And not only that. You would be together in love and peace. And I know for a fact that this is the case because I saw with my own two eyes those very few cases where twins are together and not only that but they are literary the most happy and loving couples I ever saw in my life (and they don´t fake it, it´s legit and genuine) and the only difference I can see here why it is working for these few divine feminines is that they already finished all of those processes I am speaking about in this article. I will not repeat what exact processes need to be done (if needed you can read this article once again and write some notes down because I literary named all those processes within this article) but yeah, when I look at these divine feminines who are already with their twins, happy, glowing, at peace, everything is working for them perfectly, I can see these women are fully in their divine power, their ego is 100% gone, they radiate 100% love, they are fully healed, etc, etc etc etc. And when I look at the divine feminines for which it is still not working, I can also clearly see why not. They are still insecure, not in their divine power, they are full of ego, there is not much love in them, they are very unhealed or „half healed“, etc etc etc. So, I know for the fact that your twin is something like a reward for your fully and successfully finished spiritual journey. Think about your twin as literary a reward for you fully „graduating“ from your „Twinflame journey school“. Twinflame journey is literary a real spiritual journey. People romanticizing Twinflames. But there is nothing romantic about soul ascension. In fact, it´s literary brutal. It´s the most brutal thing you will ever experience. Because it´s about saving your soul and the Universe and your Twinflame don´t play when it comes to saving your soul. And because Twinflame journey is „a next level“ of stage of your soul evolution and it´s very hard and difficult, now you understand why this journey takes years, decades or even more reincarnations. That´s why some divine feminines who are really taking time with this journey will experience some reincarnations where they will be walking this planet without their twins. In fact, they most probably walked this planet alone without their twins for many past reincarnations. And I am sorry to say but some of the divine feminines will walk this planet alone without their twins this and some next future reincarnation(s) too. It´s really only about where on your journey you are. Some divine feminines are only starting this journey, some of them are advanced and some of them are finally finishing it.
Another thing worth to discuss are attachments. Buddhism teaches detachment because attachment is a root-cause of suffering. This whole 3D reality on this 3D planet is an illusion called „Maya“. And when you are not awakened, you may think that everything here is real but it´s not. When your soul came on this planet, you experienced „amnesia“ and you forgot that you are actually a soul. If you are not awakened, you are deep in „3D Matrix“ to the point you forgot you are a soul. And your ego (which is also an illusion) makes you attached to these 3D illusions. And attachments always lead to pain. Ego equals attachment and attachment equals pain. And that´s where your pain is coming from. You are attaching to very temporary worldly stuff that is not even real and that is causing you pain. That´s basically the core teaching of buddhism.
One of the lessons that my Twinflame gave me was to master „the art of detachment“. Opposite of detachment is a sick codependent attachment. Attachment is different than connection. Attachment and connections are 2 very different things. In fact, they are the opposites. Ticks attach to the host to suck the host dry. The tick holds you hostage. Connection is about freedom and detachment. There is this paradox that when you release sick attachment, you will be finally capable to healthily connect to others. That´s why buddhism says: „Attached to nothing, connected to everything“.
The ultimate goal of every soul on this planet is to finally get out of „Samsara“ (the neverending process of reincarnation that makes you being stuck on this „prison planet“). With the very first incarnation, you came to this planet as „a young soul“ and this was the beginning of your soul evolution here. The more and more you reincarnated to this place, the more karma you resolved, the more karmic lessons you learnt and through that process your soul matured. Once you are reincarnated enough times, you gradually become „an old soul“. And as an old soul, at some point, your soul will be enough evolved that you are finally ready for getting out of „Samsara“. You can only free yourself from „the wheel of karma“ when you detach and release all attachments you have on this planet such as attachments to people, emotions, thoughts, places, situations, materialistic stuff, etc. Basically you have to detach from anything that is 3D. Until then, the Universe will not allow your soul to ascend and get out of the karmic wheel. You will be stuck here. And the way the Universe is teaching you detachment is that when you are attached to someone, that someone must hurt you so you detach. Universe must apply pain onto you so you detach. The pain is the tool through which you are learning „the art of detachment“. If you are too attached to some illusion (whatever it is), Universe will send you some painful karmic lesson and you will basically have no other option than just to let go and detach. Because if you don´t detach, you will continue to be in pain. Pain is the tool through which you are learning to detach. The more you attach, the more in pain you are. This is also a core teaching of buddhism.
I noticed that „young souls“ have it much easier on this planet than „old souls“. Young souls reincarnated on this planet only few times so they are still basically babies and teenagers of this planet and therefore „mummy Universe“ still takes care of them, let them get away with everything, let them discover, play, do their adventures, etc. But Universe is much more strict with the old souls. Because old souls reincarnated already many times on this place, they are the adults of this planet so they are not allowed anymore running around and play like some little kids. And the higher in soul ascension „video game“ they are, the karmic lessons are getting harder and stricter. Especially if you are an old soul who is very close to getting out of the karmic wheel, the Universe will not let you slip up and mess up your opportunity to free yourself from „Maya“ so it will constantly „correcting“ you, redirecting you on the right path and it is preparing you for the process of getting „out of here“. Which means, your „3D life“ will be probably pretty hard. It´s hard because Universe is helping you to „destroy“ all attachments you have on this planet so you can finally get out of „Samsara“. If you have any attachments to people, situations, places, materialistic stuff, etc., the Universe will assist you to get rid of that. You can only leave the karmic wheel when you achieve „zero karma state“ (meaning, you learnt all of your lessons, you don´t owe nobody any karma and nobody owe you any karma) and when you have zero attachments to „Maya“. Which can look like for example you being abandoned by everybody in your last reincarnation (just like Jesus was in his last reincarnation) or you will loose all your materialistic stuff all of a sudden right before getting out of the karmic wheel (like Buddha who originally came from a rich family, lived in palace and he chose modesty as his lifestyle). When Jesus and Buddha were in the last reincarnation, they were alone, they owned nothing and nothing owned them. Why? Because Universe prepared them in their last reincarnation to finally ascend their souls in order to never reincarnate on this planet ever again. Now they are free. If you are on a Twinflame journey, you are on the very same journey like Jesus and Buddha. If you met your Twinflame, that only means that you are pretty close to soul ascension (aka, „soul graduation from karmic school“), you are most probably in your very last reincarnation or few last reincarnations. The Twinflame journey is a very evolved stage of soul evolution so when you met your Twinflame, it means you are an old soul and you are pretty advanced in your soul evolution. That´s why it´s so hard. Because if you were not advanced, you would be still in very low vibrations and the Universe will be still sending your way only low vibrational karmics and karmic lessons but if you already met your Twinflame and you go through awakening, it means you are pretty high vibrational being (aka, close to G0d) and close to getting out of „Samsara“. That´s the reason why you met your Twinflame. Twinflame journey is a preparation for getting out of „Samsara“ and the first step is Kundalini awakening. First you must awake. And then, you start preparing yourself for escaping „the 3D Matrix“ for good. Twinflames are one soul so obviously, you can´t ascent without your Twinflame. You have to „go home“ together. So, he is part of your journey. Which also kinda explain why your Twinflame acts more like your ascension partner rather than traditional romantic partner. Because his role is to make sure you are ready to get out of „Samsara“. My Twinflame is giving me hard times all the time haha. I guess that the divine feminines are bringing the pain onto themselves because they did not really understand what they are dealing with when they interact with their Twinflames. They try to treat their Twinflames like „the regular boyfriends“ and they try to apply „a regular romantic relationship template“ onto their Twinflame connection but what you are experiencing is really not what you think it is. It´s actually very far from it. Your Twinflame´s main purpose is to help your soul to ascend. If you want „a regular boyfriend“ and to experience a regular relationship with romantic dinners, get yourself a soulmate. Because the purpose of your Twinflame is not to take you for a romantic dinner. The purpose of your Twinflame is to literary save your soul and take your soul „home“. Your Twinflame does not have the time to ffff around with some dangggg dinners lol. Tho, once you pass all "the tests" and your twin comes to you to be with you, then yes, you can experience the romantic stuff with him. It´s just that you will be not experiencing it while you are still going through those tests (and you can go through those tests even for many reincarnations). Once you pass all "tests" and finish the whole journey, the Universe will give you your twin as a reward and then you can have them romantic dinners too lol. Until then, keep the seat belt on, guurl, lol.
I call karmics „the cleaners“, they help you to clean a lot of your karma. I call soulmates „the time wasters“ because even they are lovely people, they basically holding you back from working on yourself and progressing in your soul evolution because instead of working on yourself, you sit on the coach like „a coach potato“ doing nothing significant for your soul ascension. That´s why I am single and on celibacy for 10 years because I didn´t get comfortable. I prefer working on myself rather than wasting my time. I mean, it would be more comfortable to sit on the coach with a soulmate, watching some numbing movie and go on some lovely romantic dinner rather than getting yourself in therapy and working on a brutal stuff like your wounds, right? I had a few thoughts on getting myself a soulmate through the past years but then I realized that the reason why I started to think about a soulmate was not because I really wanted that soulmate but because I was just exhausted from my Twinflame journey so I wanted to click „the pause button“. My soulmate supposed to be that „my pause button“. I feel like a lot of twins get into the soulmate relationships because going through the soul ascension is exhausting and painful. And they think that if they get the soulmate, they will escape their journey of soul evolution. But they don´t. Soulmate is only a very temporary fix for your pain and exhaustion from this journey. I realized that clicking „the pause button“ is not kinda solution in my case. Simply because there is no „unsubscribe button“ to get yourself out of your soul evolution. In other words, sorry to say, but you are already on the train and the train is not gonna stop. So, you basically don´t have any other option than to finish this journey to the very end, whether you like it or not. There is no coming back if you are already on this train. The train is rolling soooo put your seat belt on lol. You can have a little break (let´s say some years, decades or even 3 reincarnations with some lovely chill-out soulmate) but then you have to get back to soul ascension anyway. So, being with some soulmate is basically only prolonging the whole process. It´s a setback. That´s why I chose „the harder path“ even if it´s more exhausting and painful than have a romantic dinner with some chill-out lovely soulmate. Yes, I voluntary chose the „sadistic“ Twinflame journey of rapid soul ascension over chill-out with some soulmate. Yes, I voluntary chose the Twinflame rollercoaster over some lovely soulmate. I want to get this shizzz done as fast as possible lol. I already want to get out of „Samsara“. Thank you, my Twinflame, that you are saving me. Baby, take me „home“. My soul already really wants to go home .... I´m tired. Smash them all illusions and let´s go home. I love you, baby.
If you met your Twinflame, that´s the signal from Universe that you already did a lot of work on yourself (this lifetime but also in previous incarnations), you are finally ready to start preparing yourself for „the final act“ in this „Maya video game“, get the fffff out of here and „join G0d in Heaven“. My Twinflame gave me very hard time with destroying my attachments to „Maya“ because he was literary the only attachment I had left on this planet. He was like my cheerleader: „Girl, you got this! You are so close to finally getting out of the karmic wheel for good! You can´t stop now! All you have to do is detach from me because I am your last attachment on this planet and then.... then we can finally„go home“ together“. This one task was particularly hard. Detaching from my Twinflame felt like d3ath. Maybe that´s why it triggered my „ego d3ath“. Loosing my Twinflame when he left triggered in me a lot of depression, me spiraling, lot of crying and some little mental breakdowns which ultimately led me to learn „the art of detachment“ and it triggered my „ego degradation process“. Did you notice that every time you focus on others, your life fall apart? And every time you focus on yourself, your life gets better? That´s your answer. Focus on yourself. I guess that´s the message I got from the Universe when Universe said to me: „Detach from your Twinflame“.
If you met your Twinflame, that´s the signal from Universe that you already did a lot of work on yourself (this lifetime but also in previous incarnations), you are finally ready to start preparing yourself for „the final act“ in this „Maya video game“, get the fffff out of here and „join G0d in Heaven“. My Twinflame gave me very hard time with destroying my attachments to „Maya“ because he was literary the only attachment I had left on this planet. He was like my cheerleader: „Girl, you got this! You are so close to finally getting out of the karmic wheel for good! You can´t stop now! All you have to do is detach from me because I am your last attachment on this planet and then.... then we can finally„go home“ together“. This one task was particularly hard. Detaching from my Twinflame felt like d3ath. Maybe that´s why it triggered my „ego d3ath“. Loosing my Twinflame when he left triggered in me a lot of depression, me spiraling, lot of crying and some little mental breakdowns which ultimately led me to learn „the art of detachment“ and it triggered my „ego degradation process“. Did you notice that every time you focus on others, your life fall apart? And every time you focus on yourself, your life gets better? That´s your answer. Focus on yourself. I guess that´s the message I got from the Universe when Universe said to me: „Detach from your Twinflame“.
Youtube playlist "My Twinflame Journey":
I am just really focused on myself right now. As I should. You should too. Becoming someone that G0d always wanted us to be. The real beautiful divine feminines. That´s actually the main goal of everything we divine feminines are going through on this strange planet lol. And finally, I feel much better and I am in a much better place. Tho, it took me 5 years to finally get here. I hope I am right but I feel that my Kundalini finally calmed down and I am finallyyyyy officially out of „the dark night of the soul“. I hope nothing unexpected will come up but yeah, I feel that´s a wrap, guys. I just sit in my divine feminine´s peace, recharging my batteries (because I lost a lot of energy in the process), I meditate a lot, becoming the best version of myself, I focus only on positive energies, I avoid anything negative and I stay away from everybody´s „stories“. Even my own „stories“.
I wish my twin has also all karmic contracts already fulfilled and closed. I hope I´m right and nothing unexpected will happen but I feel that from my side I finally have „the karmic shenanigans“ behind me and I finally closed the karmic cycle but I´m not sure about my twin. And that´s the point here. This is a real spiritual journey and even when divine feminines want „to hurry up“ and finally be with their twins, I guess it´s important to realize why we are all here on this „karmic planet“. We are here to learn karmic lessons in this karmic school. Me, my twin, you, your twin, other people on this planet. We all are here for the same reason. So, I can´t do anything with how the Universe designed this karmic school on this planet, it has some rules we all have to respect. So, if my twin still have some karmic lessons to be learnt with his karmics, I guess I need to make a peace with that. I just released the need for control and just let him have his experience. Me and my twin we both already went through pretty harsh karmic lessons with our karmics in the past. It was a painful mess on both of the sides. Tho, we learnt and grew from it so, obviously, it is working as it should. Also, my twin can be sometimes a narcissistic azzhole so, I´m sure he was/is karmic to some people out there himself. Maybe I was a karmic to someone and I don´t even know about it lol. We are all each other´s karmics (aka, teachers). Everybody is someone´s karmic. Also, sometimes I feel my twin is trying to find a comfort in soulmates (which kinda never works out for him because they always turn into harsh karmics, usually in a form of abusiv3 narcissistic women, they attack his ego and help him with his own „ego degradation process“ so his ego can dissolve, bit by bit). He searches for a soulmate because he is a lazy fffvvvck, guys haha lol. He doesn´t want to work hard on himself. He better them "potato coach stuff". Honestly, I wish that we both already have these „karmic rodeos“ behind us so no karmics will keep coming after us and sometimes even inserting themselves between us like „the third wheels“ and basically dividing 2 real Twinflames. It´s exhausting. I wish I am already in reincarnation when we can be finally together. In peace and love. This karmic school is so annoying and exhausting lol. By the way, when your twin dude is still in a low vibration and unhealed, be careful divine feminine, because he can accidentally function as an energy vampire and suck the energy out of you. Speaking from my experience. That´s why I am very careful with my beautiful divine energy around my twin while he is still unhealed so he does not suck the energy out of me. Because it happened to me in the past and it was a very dark experience. The twin dude needs to heal himself and step into his divine power in order for you to have a good experience with your twin. I feel that all of these „karmic shenanigans“ are another reason why a lot of twins are not together. Most of the twins are in separation right now. It´s almost like a collective energy. Because the twins are still dealing with their karmics so they must be away from you to „entertain“ their karmics and work towards closing their own karmic cycles. And unfortunately, this can take even months, years, decades or even multiple reincarnations.
Now, when my „shenanigans“ are over, I feel like I´m entering some kind of „rejuvenating era“ where I am taking some time only for myself to shake those 10 years off of me. I feel like some wanderer who just came home from 10 year exhausting pilgrimage. I feel like I was hit by a train lol. Surviving Kundalini is no joke. The awakening is not harsh only on your energies but even on your physical body, especially if you are stuck in those energies for years. You literary need „a rejuvenating period“ after that just to feel like a human again. I feel like I did a great job of healing myself from the inside (5D) and now it´s time to „switch the gears“ and to focus solely on healing myself from the outside (3D) which might look like taking care of my physical body, eating well, sleeping well, resting well, exercise, hustle, making money, following my dreams, goals, hobbies, basically anything physical connected to 3D reality. It´s also interesting how I was more in my “hermit mode” while healing my mind and soul and now when that is done, I have naturally this feeling that I want to live more “out there”, going out, meeting new friends, having adventures, connecting with the world, taking care of “the 3D stuff”. It´s interesting how when people are healing, they prefer to be in a solitude and silence and once they healed and figured themselves out, they kinda suddenly want to be the opposite way, now they want to be part of the world again. I am barely on internet these days. I just don´t want to absorb anybody´s energies and burden myself with „stories“. I´m consciously detaching from „Maya“ illusions. I don´t even feel like I´m missing out on something. When you learn how to 100% love yourself and 100% validate yourself, it will tremendously decrease your need to be loved and validated by others (aka, validation from external sources) so you just kinda don´t care anymore and you mind your own business. When you heal way too much, you can even loose the need and want to be in romantic relationships and I feel that´s exactly what happened to me. When you feel „as half“, you need someone to complete you. But when you become whole, you need no one because you completed yourself. Also, as someone who lived without a peace so many years and then spent many years working on gaining some peace, now when I finally have that peace, I am kinda over-protective of my peace. Trust me, once you experienced your soul and mind being tortured, then peace will become for you more valuable than any diamonds on this planet. You can really appreciate peace only if you experienced the contrast of not having it. Now I practice „living outside of my head and inside of my soul“. Because mind, thoughts and emotions are „Maya“. And „Maya“ will always torture you with thoughts and emotions. You will never find peace in „Maya“ / „3D Matrix“. That´s why you have to „align with your soul“ to find peace. You can only find peace in your soul. Because 5D soul is the only real thing in this „3D Matrix“. Soul does not have any thoughts or emotions so it will keep you peaceful. That´s what awakening is about. To „get out of your mind and get in your soul“ (aka, to get out of 3D and get into 5D). We can also call this process „aligning with your soul“.
I feel like I´m in the process of jumping timelines too right now. You know that you left old lower vibrations and leveled up to higher vibrations when the old energies don´t match with your new energies anymore to the point that the old energies automatically fall off from your reality. Suddenly people from your old life go radio silence and never call you again. Puff, their gone, just like that. You don´t even need to have any „beef“ with them. Or maybe, you got suddenly fired from job. Or, your wife or husband divorces you. It feels almost like your entire old life is falling apart. Don´t panic. This supposed to happen. So don´t fight it and don´t feel sad. Just let everything fall apart. Let the energies do its job naturally. You don´t know what you´re doing but energies always know what they are doing. And they are always correct. Energy never lies. When you force energies together that do not match, you are only bringing unnecessary pain onto yourself. Energies work like a real magnet. The energies either match or they don´t. And you can´t do anything about that. Energies either match or they don´t, period. The energies that match will automatically be magnified together and those energies that does not match will be automatically repelled and fall apart. What is no more energetic match to your new higher vibrations, it will just simply fall off from your reality. There is nothing personal about energies. It´s just how energies work. Once you will be in higher vibrations, no worry, everything you lost will come back to you. If you lost people from lower vibrations, once you arrive on the new higher timeline, some new people who matches your new high vibe will suddenly appear in your new reality wanting to be your friends. But these friends will be vibrating higher so you will have better experience with them. Suddenly, you will get a new job which will be even better than the previous one that you lost. Tho, sometimes when we are in a transition between two timelines, we can get temporary stuck in „a void“. Let´s call it „the waiting room“. You already left the old timeline but you did not arrive on the new timeline yet. Don´t panic, this is normal. Just continue to support high vibe energies by taking care of yourself. And at some point you get unstuck and you will fully arrive on the new timeline. But with arriving on the high vibe timeline the danger does not necessary end there. There can be „trick and trap“ situations. There are people out there who get triggered by others who vibrate high. You can literary trigger some people by being at peace and happy. And they will come for you to take your vibration back down. You must recognize these type of situations and not entertain them at all. Don´t argue, don´t entertain, don´t give it attention. You should not even acknowledge it, not alone to entertain it. Just go radio silence, remove yourself from it and keep focusing on high vibe energies. No, you don´t need to comment it. No, you don´t need to fight it. That´s actually that „trick and trap“ situation. Because the moment you start focusing on the low vibe energies, you give them only 2 seconds of your attention, you don´t even know how and you will end up like a hamster on a low vibe hamster wheel endlessly and without a purpose running in circles forever going nowhere. You will get stuck on low vibe timeline. Don´t get tricked and trapped. The problem with low vibe (and with toxicity and negativity in general) is that they have addictive nature. It is a legit addiction like any other addiction (for example addiction to substances). You have to control your addiction to low vibe energies. You have to keep your eyes on high vibe and pulling yourself on higher and higher timelines without paying attention to anything that is going on around you. And because most of the people on this planet are currently in lower vibrations, there is always something low vibe to entertain, right? Left and right. I also noticed that people get stuck in low vibe because they want to fight „the bad people“, they are „the G0d´s warri0rs“ so they have to entertain that low vibe „in the name of justice“. Listen guys. G0d does not need no warri0rs. G0d is literary the most powerful energy on this planet, He does not need nobody´s help. Did you read in Bible how G0d sent the great flood to „unalive“ all people on this planet? G0d literary „unalived“ more people in „3 minutes“ than Adolf in years during the WW2. Do you think that someone with this level of power need your help? If anything, you stand in His way. Just go play tennis or crochet or whatever makes you happy (and happy is a high vibe), this way you actually help the most. Stop entertaining the misery and start to produce happiness. If some injustice happened to you, know that karma is a law and law applies on everybody so this will be taken care of too. Your only real protection on this planet is really just pulling yourself out of the low vibe and pulling yourself towards high vibe and once you will be vibrating high enough, „they“ can´t „catch“ you anymore because low vibe energies and entities does not have enough energy to follow you to high vibe timelines so once you reach a certain high vibe timeline, they really can´t follow you anymore. You will just simply leave them behind (where „they“ belong lol). Avoid low vibes at all cost and keep your eyes on the price which are high vibes.
But back to the Twinflames. Soooo, when you will ever doubt if your Twinflame loves you, think again. This dude literary came on this planet only and solely because of you to give you a greatest gift of all, your awakening, so you can become an awakened soul, he helps you to heal yourself and he will not stop until you are 100% healed, he freed you from your ego so you can feel love for the first time in your life, he is bored on this planet without you, he is just trying somehow waste his time with some activities on this planet because he literary has to wait for you to do your healing work and finish your awakening process (and he is maybe waiting like this for you for many reincarnations, not only this lifetime, because you are maybe too slow or lazy as fff or stubborn lol), he is helping you and preparing you to get out of „Samsara“ so you can be ultimately free and finally be „with G0d in Heaven“. And you doubt if he loves you? Whatever this dude is doing, it seems like pretty draining activity to me and he still decided to sacrifice himself to do it for you. So, there is your answer.
You most probably want to ask if me and my Twinflame are together. No, we are not. I guess I kinda finally made a peace with the understanding that the Twinflame journey is a real spiritual journey, not some romantic relationship. When you met your twin yourself, you probably realized real quick that behind meeting this person, there is something deeper going on than some romantic dinner or having some regular relationship. It´s deeper. It´s beyond some romance or „smeexual stuff“ and „bedroom activities“. It´s even beyond some „little human story“. It´s bigger than that. Much much much bigger than that. It is a real raw spiritual journey. It´s about real raw awakening. And awakening is everything but romantic. And this type of journey takes time. Sometimes years, sometimes even decades or even multiple reincarnations. It´s about awakening, deep healing, integrating your deep shadows, doing very deep inner shadow work, raising your vibration, finding and creating yourself, etc. This all takes soooo much time and work.
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I noticed that only few Twinflames managed to come together in this lifetime. And not only that but to be together in love and peace without the constant „on and off“ and turbulence. Those are the divine feminines who successfully finished their spiritual journey. They passed all them tests. That´s why the Universe allowed their twins to be with them. But majority of divine feminines are „still on their way“. And therefore the Universe does not allow them to be with their twins. Because they still have to work on themselves. And that´s my case. As much it is sad, I finally came to that place in me where I accepted everything. Full 100% acceptance always brings peace. I 100% submitted to the Universe without resistance. This article is partly my „last purging before dawn“ and „goodbye party for my twin-twin“. I am letting go of my twin-twin so we both can live in harmony, even if separated. And I finally and properly focus on me. I let the Universe do the rest. If I will be with my twin this lifetime - good, if I will be not - also good, if I will be without him next 30 reincarnations - I´m fine with that too. Satori nothing.
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Detaching from my twin-twin was one of the most painful and hard things I had to do in my life. It felt like I´m gonna di3. That´s why it took me a pretty long time to release him, it was a gradual process. And just for the sake of telling my story authentically and not just choosing bits of pieces of my story that I feel sounds cool for the audience... the truth is that my twin is kinda a narcissist and he definitely took me through some narcissistic abuse, including dating one woman behind my back for pretty some time (basically, he was living a double life) so there should be no surprise why it took me longer to "go over it". When people are telling me stuff like: "Linda, why you didn´t move on already?" Well, the answer is that healing from such experiences like going through a hard core Kundalini awakening while simultaneously going through a narcissistic abuse is a pretty harsh life lesson so there should be really no surprise that "I was not over it" overnight. Healing takes time. Psychology recognizes 7 stages of grieving: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance. I had to go through all of these stages until I finally accepted the situation. So, yes, eventually "I got over it" but not until my grieving process was properly processed and finished. I had to sit with that for quite some time. That´s adding another layer why I decided to detach from my twin and decided not to have him in my life because he needs to work on healing his narcissistic trauma and this can take months, years, decades or even multiple reincarnations. And until he will not heal his narcissism, I don´t want him nowhere around me. I already went through soooo much in my life that I can´t take no more shizzz from nobody, even if it´s my own twin. Me and my twin ... hmm, we are kinda complicated and complex case. There is love, there is beef, there is 5D, there is 3D, there is healing, there is sickness, there is wanting to be together, there is not wanting to be together. I feel like for the sake of both of us is better when we just separate. Maybe next lifetime, baby... Or, maybe when we will be both in our 50s or 70s, maybe we will be more ready. When I met my twin 5 years ago, he was around 24 or 25 years old. Men in this age are extremely immature even without some "Twinflame spiritual journey full of tests" lol. I just don´t see it happen in his 20s or 30s when it´s just a nature of men to be immature around that age. Hope that the next lifetime we will be doing better, my twin-twin baby. Because I feel that this lifetime, we were doing absolutely horribly.... What a giant mess ... Tho, I still love you, twin-twin baby. Everything will be alright.
Youtube playlist "Goodbye Party For Twin":
But finally, I am in that peaceful place of understanding the nature of this journey. My case kinda reminds me of Twinflames Michael Jackson and Diana Ross. Personally, I believe they were twins. And they never managed to unite in this lifetime. They were enough evolved to meet and recognize each other (and even spend some time together in the beginning) but not evolved enough to be together. They went through the famous „Twinflame rollercoaster“ and then they parted away. Maybe next lifetime .... I observed that they parted away but their path crossed many times through their lives. Every time they met, you could see how excited they were to see and hug each other, total pure love. But they always met each other only for a brief moment. And then they parted away again, both living their lives separately. Over and over again. It kinda reminds me of my story with my twin right now. I am my twin´s personal Diana Ross.
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I kinda accepted that there is the possibility I will be not with my twin this lifetime. Tho, every-time I see his face or when we signal to each other „hi“ in our secret mysterious Twinflame language, I feel so happy. Even if we cross our paths only for „3 minutes“. It´s always so much joy in my heart. Also, we are finally in a good place with each other, we are no more experiencing insane rollercoasters and we are no more „beef-ing“ with each other lol. Well, at least thaaaat lol. We used to be like 2 Titans constantly clashing. Especially the first let´s say 2 years. It was savage. We could not go 10 minutes without a trigger. And I kinda accepted that if we both have some karmic lessons to learn, there is not much I can do with that. If G0d and Universe decided that this is beneficial for our soul evolution.... well, who I am not to agree with it, right? I am just a little human lol.
To this day it fascinates me how we recognized each other literary 2 seconds after our meeting. It´s because we travel together through all reincarnations. That´s why there was the instant „soul recognition“ when we met in 2020. And you can only recognize someone you already knew before, right? When you meet a stranger, you don´t recognize them, you meet them, you introduce yourself to each other and then you have to spend some time to know each other. But you are meeting your twin over and over again each lifetime so when we met this lifetime again, I knew who he is right away and he knew who I am right away too. No introduction was needed. If I can´t be with my twin this lifetime, I can´t wait to be already in the next reincarnation to meet him again.
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Another thing.... I can´t wait to see who I will become because of this journey. I grew so much already the past 5 years. And I can´t wait to see who my twin will become because of this journey. Let me tell you something, me and my twin, we went through someeee craaaazzzy stuff together. We have history together. I´m Alice and he is my Mad Hatter. Together in Wonderland.
„When I´m Alice, you my dear, you must be my Mad Hatter“.
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Tho, since I entered „the Satori phase“, I finally came to this peaceful place in me where „I don´t have a preference“ and I kinda „don´t care“. I just meditate a lot lately. Every single day. Sometimes twice a day. Even if I will be not with him this lifetime, I will be ok. I will be just living my life to the fullest. Life is short. I must live. There is so many things I want to do. And I must be happy. And healthy. And I feel like I kinda really owe myself to become an artist again. Loosing my art career was one of the top most devastating things I ever went through and I kinda feel in my heart that I still want to do art this lifetime. I literary owe this to myself. Pablo Picasso painted around 2000 paintings in his lifetime. That´s an insane work ethic and amount of artworks. I am definitely behind and late to „tea at 5 in Wonderland“ lol. I want to focus on my art. And who knows... Maybe I will be lucky twice in my life. Maybe my star will shoot to the night sky to shine one more time. Or, maybe I will never become „a surrealist star“ of my generation again, maybe I will make art only as a hobby and that´s fine for me too. But I definitely want to reconnect with my creativity, I missed my art soooo bad. I used to make art every day. So, imagine how I felt to be away from my art for 10 years. Insane to even think about it, honestly. I can´t wait to finally sit on my azz and just paint and play around with clay and shizzz of that nature. I will become the most happy person on this planet when this finally will be happening for me.
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Just a random thought as we are heading towards the end of my article.... When we spoke about karma earlier, creating good karma with people is also a form of attachment. Because now you have to reincarnate next lifetime again so you can repay them the favor and do something nice for them back. The only exception is when you do something good for others and you genuinely don´t expect anything back and you don´t do it for any ulterior motive. And sometimes, we think we do something good for others but we are actually harming them. For example, let´s say that someone needs a karmic lesson so they can learn, grow, expand and change. But because you took their lesson away from them by „saving them“ or „helping them“, now they did not learn anything, they did not grow, did not expand and they did not change. You did not help them, you harmed them and prolonged their suffering. And not only that. The Universe will send them the karmic lesson again so they did not really „fixed“ anything with your help.
Oki doki, I guess I addressed everything I wanted when it comes to my past (and as usual, I totally over-shared haha, my bad lol) and now we can finallyyyyy move to talk about my new art adventures (and in general, my new life). Yay! You have no ideaaaaaaaa.... I was waiting for this moment so many years. This is the first time in so many years I finally feel like my mind is clear, my spirit is calm, my joy and creativity is returning and in general, this is the first time in many years I feel like my life is in a good place so I finally feel ready to become an artist again. Everything I went through in the past messed me up so bad that I was simply not capable to create. My creativity was „unalived“ by trauma. Ffff narcissists and karmics, lol! So, you can imagine how I feel right now when my creative spirit is returning and I can´t wait to just sit on my azz behind my table and just ... you know ... just to design, to sculpt, to create, to pain, to draw, to .... to do all kind of creative stuff. I remember when my life went downhill 10 years ago, I literary took all my art supplies I have collected through my life (and I created non-stop since I was a kiddo so I had tons of art supplies) and I threw all my art supplies to the garbage bin. I was convinced that I will never create art ever again in my life. As a surrealist, I had 2 particular goals in my mind. Without achieving these 2 goals, I guess I would feel like „I am not successful“. One was exhibiting in Los Angeles. Of coooourse, I mean, who is considered successful if you did not make it in Hollywood, riiiight? Lol. That´s a no-brainer. And the other one was exhibiting in New York. I achieved the first one (actually, Los Angeles became my „main home“ for my art exhibitions at some point which I am grateful for this opportunity to this day) but I had to really wait for the opportunity to enter New York art scene quite some time. And the opportunity finally came. But guess what. Around the same time when my dream was coming true, my personal life started going downhill and when I was invited to exhibit in one important art gallery in New York, I literary had a mental breakdown in the middle of that art show. I did put my art on that wall (yay!) but I did not finish the art show. I messed up one of the biggest days of my life with mental breakdown. To this day, even 10 years later, every time I think about how I messed up one of my most important moments of my life, my eyes start watering. Tho, I promised myself that I will not think about the past anymore so let the past be past and I focus on my future. Sooo, good news are that I feel million times better and Lily is ready to fall down the art rabbit hole once again, hopefully this will be my last fall back home to Wonderland. It feels good to be back.
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But the question now is – what is coming and what are my new plans? I feel like I changed and grew (up) so much the past decade. I guess that my growth will be somehow reflected in my new art I will be creating. With the new energy I feel inside of my veins, I feel it´s time to try new things and kinda leave the old art behind. I feel like I am entering my super experimental new era in my new life and I will be probably creating a lot of new projects and side projects that will make absolutely no sense to people who followed my art for years. I just feel like I want to experiment a lot right now. So, if my future portfolio will make no sense to any of you, heeey, bear with me lol. Guided by my new energy flow, I am morphing into a chameleon. Art chameleon. Fashion chameleon. Creative chameleon. Chameleon of all sort of new ... just everything new lol. So, I guess my new art portfolio will be looking like series of disconnected telenovela episodes to my art followers haha. At least in the beginning. For a while. I guess everything with my portfolio will be becoming clearer and clearer as time will pass. In my new era, I feel like not putting all my creative eggs into one creative basket. In the past I was mostly known as a surrealist but I always had many other creative ideas on my mind but somehow they always ended up on the back burner due to my busy schedule with art shows and I somehow got stuck in „a strictly surrealist frame“. So, now, I am allowing myself to be „also something else than solely a surrealist“ and bringing to life all kind of creative projects I always wanted to do. I have about „500“ different creative projects on my schedule and on my mind. So, I hope people who loved and supported my surreal art will have a little understanding for me that I want to try also something else. I am expanding my creativity. I don´t know where I am going from here in terms of my new art and my creative experiments. All I know is that I want to have a lot of creative fun and freedom, I want to feel free in my creative soul... and maybe that´s the point of creating art ... to just have a fun like a little kid ... I want to go back to that place in me where art was about fun and let my inner child guide me ... whatever it means. Consider my art comeback to be „a very soft launch“ as I am navigating a lot of changes in my new life such as planning to get back to corporation job (and having my art business on the side, at least for now), moving to new home and you know, just trying to settle a bit in my new life, focusing on my priorities in my personal and professional life. Coming back from spiritual awakening that lasted years feel literary like I am an alien who was stuck in a twilight zone on Mars, now I am landing back on Earth, adjusting to this planet again and learning how to be a human again. Really strange feeling. I feel weird. But also good. Yope, weird and good at the same time. Lol.
Youtube playlist "I Manifest":
Also, only recently I realized how I actually missed hanging out with my art friends and to be a part of our art community. Depression will make you severely neglect your relationships. And if you will be neglecting your relationships long enough, they will start to fall apart. Gosh, I missed going for a coffee with my artsy goofballs, laughing at silly jokes, discussing where to buy dope art supplies (best the ones on sale with some good price), which brands of art supplies suck and which are cool and you know, to gossip about what is going on on art scene (always some 3D drama hahaha). I missed my artsy company with whom to go and see art galleries and museums or even going to see my art cool cat friend´s art shows and socialize. I miss particularly one art friend. We were equivalent of Eminem and 50 Cent in rap. We came on the art scene of surrealists at the same time, many years ago. We both were „delulu“ claiming that one day we will become rich and famous painters hahaha. You know young folks and their „delulu“. We all have some „delulu“ dreams. Tho, it´s good to be „delulu“ so your dreams can become „trululu“ lol. And ours somehow came true. We were having each other´s back and pushing opportunities towards each other. He was like my older brother. We both were „night owls“ and I miss the nights when we both were working on our art for our art shows and we were on a call the whole night and talking. Painting and talking. And we always ate at 3AM or 1AM and we were calling it „lunch“ haha. I am proud of my friend because he made it. When you want to visit home of artists, go to Paris but if you want to visit home of surrealists, go to Vienna in Austria. Today, he is one of the most known names there. Some of his favorite characters he always paints were made into art toys/figures and they are pretty popular in Vienna. I am really proud of him. You know that kind of friends that you lost touch with for few years but when you come together, it feels like you never drifted apart. Every time we get in touch, even in times I detached from my art friends due to my depression and life being crazy, he always encourages me to go back to art. He be like: „Linda, damn it, stop tripping, you think too much, just sit on your azz, don´t think at all and just work. Look, I sit on my azz, I don´t think, I just paint and get shizzz done“. He says this to me eeeeevery single time lol. That´s definitely one of the top people I can´t wait to repair my relationship with. And I hope there will be some parties with art surreal cupcakes soon coz I kinda deserve now to go out a bit more and keep my head space positive. When you have a depression, you have the tendency to isolate more. And you don´t experience much fun when you are deeply depressed. So, that´s one of my goals now to become social again.
I feel lucky that I am doing this „last purge“ in the beginning of summer so I can really use this summer time for my „reset“ and „battery recharge“, maybe some vacation, beach, grilling my azz on sun, maybe to look around what music festivals or concerts we will be having in my country. You know the drill lol. I need a proper reset. But after the summer, I´m back in business. In all categories. I´m spending a lot of my free time now to reconnect with my creativity. For now I´m not publishing anything but I already working on some art projects, you know, just get into the right creative mood and flow, get into art routine and get used to be creative again. After 10 years being away from doing art and the turbulent spiritual awakening journey that is behind me, I feel like a baby learning to walk again. Progress over perfectionism. As someone who worked a decade in corporation, I really like the philosophy called Kaizen that we were applying onto our work. This term comes from Japan. Basically, Kaizen means „progress over perfection“. That´s how I roll now. I just start rolling and improving everything as I roll. Finding the creativity in me again. Reclaiming my surreal cupcake cool cat artsy destiny that I feel was stolen from me. And not only my artsy Wonderland destiny but in general. Since I was a kid, there were quiet a few people who tried to steal or destroy my destiny through my life. I noticed that a lot of „G0d´s children“ and „bright stars“ are going through similar stuff like me. We are hunted down like animals our whole lives and there are always some „star hunters“ and "destiny stealers" trying to steal our stars and our destinies. It´s actually pretty insane when I think about it now. So yeah, Lily is kinda late to „tea at 5 in Wonderland“ but better later than never.
My magical gypsy witchy azz stealing back my stolen destiny & reclaiming my destiny be like (Youtube songs & videos):
I am a real G0d´s child.
I am a real G0d´s child.
I claim my destiny.
My destiny is protected by G0d.
Aaaand basically, that´s the end of my story. We are on the last page of „book of my life“. I purged everything I needed in this article (and it helped, I feel much better), I consider it „my final purge before dawn“ and now I am officially moving on to my new life and from now on, I will be known to the world only as an artist. I will never talk about my past ever again. I decided that from now on, I will be a bit more private with my personal life than I used to be in the past. For more reasons. First is that privacy is energy protection and silence is a leverage. I always say that people can´t fffff up only what they don´t know about. Privacy is how you protect your life. Did you notice how „old money“ has such a longevity (through generations and centuries) while „new money“ usually goes to shizzz after „15 minutes of fame“? Food for thoughts. I plan to be on art scene and alive on this planet for upcoming decades so my strategy is adjusted according to this goal. If you know what I mean....
And another reason for my need for privacy is that I want to be known for my work and not for some drama or personal stuff. When you focus on BS, you don´t have time to practice or create high quality art and products. Drama can only take you that far. But high quality serious work is the real ticket to longevity or even to create history. 300 years from now on, nobody will remember my drama or personal life but if I paint some „real for real“ painting and get into art history books, my painting will be remembered forever. It´s important to build a solid foundation under your feet. Because if you build a fragile house made of paper cards and you build it on a quick sand, you will not last even those 15 minutes. I will probably pop up here and there to be out there but only when I want. I don´t put any pressure on me. And I will share only what I feel comfortable with which will be mostly some content about my art, how I work in art studio or maybe some videos having fun but when it comes to my private life, I want to keep me and my circle safe. Because let me tell you something. I am a natural born optimist, I believe that good people exist and I am grateful meeting good people on this planet but also, I experienced first hand meeting some pretty diab0lical individuals on this planet and I saw the dark side of humans. And unfortunately, it costed me trauma and damage. And then it took me literary many years to heal and rebuild. So, I guess I don´t need to explain why I am way more careful with this cute but crazy world this time around. Not to mention some low vibrational manipulative dark siphoning energies lurking on this planet. If you have a certain type of energy (if you know what I mean), you just have to protect that energy. So, I´m trying to find some reasonable balance in my life to have fun and be open to the world but also seriously protect myself. And as I said, I guess I will become the most boring person on internet so if the reason you followed me the past few years was only to see how my insane personal story ended (while you are not much into art), I guess our adventure together is kinda ending here soooooo I would like to thank you for being part of my crazy life story lol (daaang, that shizzz was a riiiiiide lol), I hope you enjoyed the story haha. And if you are someone who kinda like art and you would like to continue to follow my creative adventures, then baby, we keep rolling together through this „3D Maya illusions“ until the very end lol, thank you for sticking around. Soooo, without further due ... croissant, coffee and cigarette ... aaaand let´s goooo! Love you all xoxo. Lily from Wonderland.
Youtube song & videos:
